My bachelorette party to be last weekend, and like many things in my life, it was not explicitly brand-new Jersey–themed but nevertheless finished up that way. The crowning pink cubic-zirconia jewel that the festivities may have actually been a “Same prick Forever” banner, a nod to danielle Maher Staub Caffrey Staub, the patron saint of ill-conceived unions. Also if this certain engagement doesn’t job-related out for me, at the very least I’ll have actually 20 (excuse me, 21) more shots to acquire it right. (If you’re reading this and you happen to be involved to get married me, i promise ns am, like, 90 percent joking. Or 85 percent.)

After no tiny amount of leading the witness top top Andy’s part, Teresa ultimately confirms that, no, she would certainly not relocate herself and also her kids to Italy come be v Joe, need to Tre’s ex-boss no intervene to halt his deportation. And a long-distance partnership is the end of the question.

You are watching: The real housewives of new jersey season 9 episode 18

Andy asks if she’s to be faithful; Teresa states she has. (Do ns hear a an elderly cat dry-heaving somewhere the end there top top the wind?) her vibrator is a “beautiful thing,” also if Milania at one allude threw it into the pond in former of their house. (I hope Tre threw that in the dishwasher ~ that. I shudder at the thought of labia algae.)

Frank, Bill, Joe B., and the various other one are brought on to fill the end the peanut gallery (I virtually typed “penis gallery”). We touch again on Bill and Jennifer’s no-sex courtship. “What if friend go down there and also it just looks in ~ you funny?” Joe Gorga asks, of a hypothetical wife’s hypothetical vagina. I would pay $500 to clock this man attract a chart of the mrs anatomy on the spot.

Then, because that the very first time in Housewives history, Andy asks the husbands what their own taglines would certainly be.

Bill: A nip/tuck a day enables my wife spend and play.

Not a negative start, though ns think we’re absent a preposition. B-

Jackie’s husband (Evan! His name is Evan! Sorry, Evan!): i have 4 kids, 2 degrees, and one kick-ass wife.

A cute homage come his spouse’s actual tagline, albeit a little of a can-I-copy-your-homework-yeah-just-change-it-around-a-little copout. B+

Frank: I work hard, ns play hard, until I invested all mine money on boats and whores.

Like frank himself, vulgar perfection. A+

Joe B.: If you want the project done right, asking me, and also I’ll carry out your wife.

Exactly what i look because that in one Angie’s list profile. C-

As for Joe G., the produces a shiny yellow cape-blanket-curtain the end of nowhere together his “dress,” revealing the his expertise in fashion style rivals his expertise in gynecology, then supplies two distinct taglines: “I don’t flip tables, I have sex on them,” and, “I’m no a plumber but I know exactly how to lay pipe.”

See me ~ class.

Even Danielle’s appearance from the sea foam that is the third installment that this reunion cannot conserve it from being a fairly boring hour of television. Her marriage to Marty lasted only two months, she reports, and they are proceeding to co-habitate during their divorce, in spite of having filed mutual restraining orders against each other. (Exactly how big does their house need to be come make the work?) and her wedding dress only expense $35,000, give thanks to you an extremely much, no $45,000. That would be unreasonable.

“If I had actually a guy buy me a $35,000 fucking dress, I’d be sucking his toes,” Joe Gorga provides to nobody in particular. I am genuinely fascinated by exactly how this man’s brain works, and the reality that he so clearly believes that sucking someone’s toe is the solitary greatest possible show that deference you might make to them. I’d love to clock him accomplish a head the state.

Despite Joe B.’s howl-punctuated ballbusting at Marty’s bachelor party, regardless of Marty’s “promotion” the Danielle’s beauty beauty via denying the very existence that Margaret’s breasts, regardless of Marty’s unplanned emboldened in Jennifer’s pool, Joe B. Reports that, improbably, the 2 old buddies have made up. And also yet the path to reconciliation because that Margaret and also Danielle is much too littered through Bride formation swimsuits to be navigable.

A inquiry from none various other than Kim G. Points the end that Danielle said Jackie and Melissa were having a sexual relationship in spite of her own history of “pretending to it is in gay.” danielle insists that, together a detailed Garden State bisexual, she expected nothing derogatory through it, but I guess ns thankful come Kim G. For giving me a factor to link to “Real Close.”

Teresa, together always, refuses come acknowledge any of Danielle’s misbehavior toward her castmates. “If someone’s nice come you, how can you be average to them?” she asks. This is among several complex psychological ideas Teresa is right now grappling with, increase there with object permanence.

Margaret reminds the people that daniel is a “prostitute” and also a stripper who had an affair through a married man. The latter claim, she says, is substantiated in Danielle’s very own book, as if everyone on these couches — including and also especially danielle — has ever before read it.

I introduce focusing entirely on Jennifer, who has actually apparently heard nothing of Danielle’s vivid past, throughout this argument. “Did you to speak ‘video on PornHub?’” she asks. Dolores nods at her meaningfully; Jennifer’s eye widen bigger than I have ever seen them.

“You can adjust your face, you can change your address, friend can change your clothes, yet you haven’t adjusted your soul,” Margaret monologues at RHONJ’s very own Norma Jeane, born Beverly Ann Merrill. “You can adjust your name, however you’re still the Beverly inside.”

Even after seeing what Marty stated to Margaret, daniel maintains the the pair was still wrong to push her then-husband in the water.

“It to be a shallow pool. He might have acquired hurt,” daniel says.

“I do have actually a nine-foot deep end, but—” Jennifer interjects.

Danielle gift Teresa v a Tiffany-blue box. Inside is a necklace engraved D+T, both of your initials — danielle is wearing a equivalent pendant. Come use words “cringey” would certainly be one understatement. As Andy observes, Teresa is visibly uncomfortable through the gift, wrapping it back up, putting it away, and also stammering a half-hearted say thanks to you.

I’ll leaving it up to you come imagine the anguished expression ~ above Danielle’s face as Jennifer now bestows even an ext jewelry (care of her brother, that course) upon Teresa: a pearl bracelet with a mini-portrait of Teresa and her mother. I feel favor I’m watching clip of Kim Jong-un’s date of birth party.

The sacrificial offerings to the great Old ones continue.

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Joe wheels out a kid-sized white SUV, complete with a vanity Jersey license plate that reads “Lil AC,” and also a equivalent personalized Adidas tracksuit because that Andy’s son. It’s a very sweet surprise baby shower, v each mom offering their TV dad a piece of nursing advice. May the road rise up to accomplish you, Benjamin Cohen, and also may that road never lead you to the Posche fashion show.